Letter to Waterpark Guests, RE: Shooting the Lifeguard with the Water Cannon

Dear Guests,

As your local resort representative (that’s right, me, the one in the bright red shorts), I hope you’re enjoying the start of the holiday season here at the waterpark.

It’s come to my attention that some of you think it is acceptable, fun, and even (according to your girlfriend, who is laughing her butt off) hilarious to blast the lifeguard with the water cannons mounted on the play structure.  While I understand that getting wet is one of the many risks of working in an aquatics environment (hence the swim trunks that are part of my uniform), being a water gun target is not part of my job description or job related duties.

So, in order that we can both achieve our goals (for you, that’s remaining at the waterpark and continuing to have fun, and for me it’s maintaining my control on my temper and somehow making it through my 11 hour work shift), here follows a quick primer on understanding the signals your’s truly is sending you when you decide to shoot me with the water cannon.

  1. The first time you shoot me with the water cannon, I will not lose my temper or chew you out.  Believe it or not, I’m a pretty nice guy, and I attempt to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe, I’m thinking, he didn’t mean to do that, or didn’t know he shouldn’t?  So, while I will be feeling a bit of annoyance, I will look up at you, smile, and shake my head or give you the “cut it out” sign.  Basically, I’ve just given you a chance to stop on your own, nod your apology, and for us to part as friends.
  2. What the heck.  You just shot me a second time after I told you to stop.  That little hint of annoyance I mentioned earlier?  Yeah, it’s now a pretty strong sense of frustration.  Just a quick note here; it is never a good idea to tick off the lifeguard.  We’re the ones who have to come and respond to your emergency.  Now you have.  However, I’m still a nice guy, and I still want to be a good employee at the waterpark.  So now, I’m going to give you a dirty look that says “Seriously?  Are we still doing this?” and I will spread my arms in a questioning gesture.  Again, I’m giving you a chance; stop now, move on, and I promise I’ll do my best not to really dislike you for the rest of the day.
  3. Ok, now I’m mad.  Not only have you blasted me a third time despite two earlier warnings, but your girlfriend thinks it’s hilarious.  Remember how I suggested you not tick off lifeguards?  You just did.  And here’s the other thing; management here at the waterpark not only likes me, but as long as I’m doing my job will take my side.  But I’d rather not get them involved; they’re busy people, and they won’t kick you out for this anyway.  So, you and I get to have a talk now (despite the fact that you are a guest, and I’m an employee, I CAN give you a stiff scolding.  The customer is not always right).  Now hear this:  I’m just trying to do my job here, and you are making it difficult.  My job involves walking back and forth here, and I’ve told you three times now to stop blasting me.  I can get management over here if that’s what it will take to make you stop.  Are we going to have a problem here?  No?  Good.

So, for future reference; the lifeguards and attendants are not your water cannon targets. If you feel the need to blast someone, there are literally hundreds of other guests around for you to shoot.  We aren’t paid enough to have to put up with this.  Additionally, if you distract us too much, we may not see the 3-year-old who has run into a post, knocked himself out, and is now laying face down, unconscious, drowning in 6 inches of water.  Now that IS part of my job.

Enjoy the waterpark.

Sincerely, your lifeguard at the Meltdown Front station,

Ethan (the one in the red shorts)

Everything in the post is true, and happened yesterday at the waterpark.  Despite being told two times to stop, some guy still blasted me a third time.  His girlfriend laughed uproariously each time.  Finally, I called him down out of the play structure, and called him out on it.  The attendants who were watching from the nearby towers nearly cheered.


2 thoughts on “Letter to Waterpark Guests, RE: Shooting the Lifeguard with the Water Cannon

  1. RevJoshuaKing

    “Everything in the post is true, and happened yesterday at the waterpark.”

    I contend this statement and here’s why…”Believe it or not, I’m a pretty nice guy”

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